Friday, October 7, 11:30 PM. Brewer.

Amy and I had a good talk tonight. She admitted that her faith has been struggling lately. I don’t think she has entirely lost faith, but she’s riddled with doubt.

She’s not coping well with these trials we’re going through. Like James talks about, she’s a ship at sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

Amy needs a lot of stability in her life. That’s always been true, ever since her dad left them, probably. When her life is rooted, when things are orderly, she soars. It’s marvelous to behold. Her graduate program gave her that stability for several years, and she earned a doctorate! I could never do that. When the kids were little, the daily tasks of parenting gave her that stability. She’s a wonderful mom, the best. But when her feet are not rooted on the ground, she flounders. She acts up. She lashes out. When she’s strong, she’s very strong. When she’s weak, she’s like a cornered animal. She’s been like this ever since I’ve known her, certainly since she was a teenager, and has never really grown out of it.

I think it’s what led her to Alan. I failed her. I forgot about her. I didn’t give her the love and attention she needed. I left her to flounder. And she lashed out, acted up, kind of went crazy for a while.

We were just getting our feet back under us when all this happened.

I’m doing better at providing her with the love and stability she needs. But it’s not enough. I can’t explain what’s happening to us. I can’t say what’s going to happen next. Only God can say. And he’s not saying.

So she’s lashing out at him.

I’m sure it’s a phase. She’s struggling, but she still believes in God, I’m sure. I know she’ll come around. She just needs to get used to the new way of things. Our way of life now is not what it used to be, but it has a stability of its own. She has to grieve. We all do. She has to adapt. Maybe she needs to throw a tantrum or two. God knows I have—that night on the diving board, for example.

I reminded her we actually have it pretty good. God promises to take care of us, and she has to believe that. We have to work at faith and not lose heart.

Dear Lord, restore my wife. Help her see that you are good and things will be all right. Please strengthen her faith.