Exploiting the Evangelical Market
Saturday, November 11, 2006
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One of my friends over at Erksom forwarded to me this rather disturbing memo, which I pass along without further comment.




Mr. Chip Dinger
Director of Marketing
Erksom Products Ltd.
101 N. Frisk St.
Archminster, IL 41238


Archminster, October 31, 2006

Re: Exploiting the Evangelical Market


Dear Fellow Directors:

My department has completed our preliminary research into the market we discussed on Thursday. The good news: Demographically speaking, American evangelicals are rich, stupid, and easily sold. The bad news: We're not the first to have realized it. We must move quickly to take our share in this lucrative and expanding market.

Evangelicals began to emerge as a distinct purchasing force in the early- to mid-90s, but have only come into their own in the last few years. Several major product releases, including the The Passion of the Christ and The Purpose Driven Life, have recently demonstrated the vitality of this poorly-understood consumer group. Passion, for instance, grossed over $370 million at the box office and is the eleventh top-grossing film of all time, just ahead of Jurassic Park. Its success was propelled by evangelical leaders who saw the film as a marketing opportunity for their own (spiritual) product, and rented out whole theaters as an "evangelistic exercise." (It turns out, though, that most non-Christians--including most of us in marketing--found the film repulsive, and it had little "evangelistic" success.)

The Porpoise Driven Life (as some of my staff are calling it) has sold through over 25 million units. Interestingly, its early sales were driven by Warren himself, who, with the help of like-minded financial backers, bought hundreds of thousands of copies to distribute for free and to seed initial sales figures. The book's ambi-Christian packaging--devoid of clear religious references--helped it sell to the agnostic and quasi-religious self-help market. But a great deal of the marketing was propelled by evangelicals themselves, giving copies to "lost" friends and family members.

These and other product successes show that evangelicals are a major purchasing force. Product saturation still lies well beyond the horizon. This is our opportunity.

Some of our competitors have been working in this market for some time, so we must move quickly. In September, Fox Home Video, acting apparently out of their own deep-felt religious yearnings, launched FoxFaith Films, an arm dedicating to exploiting the evangelical market. The financials are interesting. The films are made for $5 million apiece (less than a tenth of the average movie budget), with an additional $5 million for marketing. FoxFaith clearly sees this consumer group as desperate, not discerning. Fox is known, paradoxically, for both raunch and conservativism; perhaps a Last Temptation Island of Christ series will spring from this happy union?

What is it about this market that makes it so lucrative? The key is this: Evangelicals are consumers first, religious believers second. Like all consumers, evangelicals shop in order to find and express themselves. Just as students flash their iPods, writers flash their Montblancs, and middle managers flash their Lexuses, evangelicals flash their NIV Study Bibles, their Veggie Tales videos, and their Calvert Math homeschool texts. Like all Americans, they spend money as a way of showing the people around them who they are. Human animals searching for meaning and self-expression will spend ridiculous money for a product that aids them in their quest--just look at the success of the iPod or Starbucks. That is one gravy train we cannot afford to miss.

So what do evangelicals spend their money on? "Family Values" is the buzzword to watch. Although an evangelical is just as likely to be divorced, absentee, or lecherous as the next guy, he likes to think of himself as a lover of home and hearth, a defender of decency, and the protector of his children. An evangelical's greatest dread is a future world where his or her children are wild and "pagan," having been lured from the faith by video games, hip-hop, and homosexuals. It's notable that the leading quasi-Christian radio network has the slogan "Safe for the Whole Family." One of the leading Christian retailers is "Family Christian Stores." The major Christian radio programs is "Focus on the Family." Spot a trend?

Evangelicals decry America's "moral decline" even while financing it. This contradiction is the key to success in this segment. An evangelical shopper will buy a family video with one hand and a porn video with the other. He or she will hand-wring over whether to give to charity, yet drive two thirsty SUVs. The secret is to exploit their sense of terror and guilt by offering products that promise to guard their children and strengthen their family while still providing the thrills and personal fulfillment Americans demand.

Marketing feels this is a crucial opportunity for Erksom Ltd. We believe one brand announcement before the end of 2006, with 3-5 additional in 2007, will help propel us into a leadership position in this segment by 2008. Given this background, here are some specific suggestions for product lines we feel PD should consider.

  • The Happily-Ever-After Video Series. Each video in this series begins with a one-hour, family-oriented romantic adventure culminating in the triumphant marriage of the hero and heroine. The movie then pauses at an intermission, giving parents an opportunity to get their children to bed. The second hour of the movie continues the story of the wedding night with a mild (by normal standards) pornographic offering.
  • The Lord is My Fortress Home Security System. Monitored by avowed evangelicals, this security system takes both spiritual and physical safety into account. At the press of a button, home owners can request a quick prayer for safety, comfort, or freedom from anxiety from regional monitor personnel. Installed keypads adorned with Scripture and crucifixes bring feelings of warmth and security.
  • Pet Rock of Ages. It's high time pet rocks made a comeback, and what better market than those wholesome, nostalgic evangelicals to usher it in? Each rock comes with a care-and-feeding booklet complete with rock-oriented spiritual lessons for children.
  • The Martin Luther Bling Streetwise Jewelry Line. Evangelical children living in 21st century America can hardly escape the allure of gangster rap and its "cool" accouterments. Christian parents have long recognized: if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. What better way to sanitize Junior's rap obsession than with spiritually edifying "Martin Luther Bling" jewelry? Now Junior can dress like Chamillionaire while learning important lessons in Reformation history and soteriology. Line includes oversize necklaces, bracelets, rings, clip-on earrings, phylacteries, and alarm clocks.
We are proud of Erksom's heritage of success in exploiting subculture markets. Our recent offerings in organic cookware and gay intimate apparel have been groundbreaking and profitable. Marketing feels the evangelical subculture is low-hanging fruit that lies very much within Erksom's core competencies, and we should waste no time in aggressively developing brands and products in this area.


Yours Sincerely,

Chip Dinger
Director of Marketing

cc: Dick Bascaroni
Epstein Brianson
Fitch Williams
Arg Neckplankton
P. Stephen Sloan

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..posted at 4:13 PM

Comments

You say "one of your friends at Erksom" which indicates that Erksom is a real place/company/thing.

But the letter reads like a complete mockup. Is Erksom a satire site? Inquiring minds want to know...
—Anonymous Anonymous, March 7, 2007 5:27 PM
 
I love this Memo, best joke I've recently seen. As a student of economics I'd say the author uses pretty much the same language as the huge consulting firms. Only that he shows how far from real life some religions are these days.
Nice...

A little comment to the inquiring mind: Of course Erksom is NOT a real COMPANY. You really didn't get that, right????

CeMiCal (mailto: cemical@web.de)
—Anonymous Anonymous, March 14, 2007 6:16 AM
 
hah... this sounds like something wed come up with in a group brain storm in my advertising paper. its obviously a joke.... but even if it wasnt i dont see how it would be anymore morally wrong than targeting any other VAL group such as boys aged 8-12 who say like sport. to me it seems the same
—Anonymous Anonymous, March 15, 2007 6:57 PM
 




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